What is Transformation and Why most people don’t do it
Transformation is essentially change. When referring to personal transformation it is basically changing the self or the identity to one of an elevated consciousness. To be able to change the identity we must first know what an identity is.
What makes up one’s Identity
- Beliefs about the self and the world
- The way a person thinks based on these beliefs
- One’s emotional state as a result of these thoughts
- The way one experiences the world based on all of the above
One of the major blocks to changing your identity is that most of our beliefs are subconscious, meaning they are below your level of awareness. How do we then make something conscious that was previously unconscious? We look at what’s not working in our lives. Usually unpleasant emotions are the best indicator that there is a limiting belief underneath what’s not working. So to start the process of change we must be vigilant with our emotions because they are our GPS to making the subconscious conscious. To make a change we must be aware that there is even something to change.
Four steps in making a change
1. We must be aware that there is something that we’d like to change. For example, if I have a drinking problem but I’m not aware that I have a drinking problem due to denial or lack of consequences then I would not be prompted to do anything about it. Research actually shows that becoming aware that there’s a problem and not taking any further steps leads to increased rates of depression. This of course makes sense. Feelings of guilt and remorse can arise if we know there is an issue but we seemingly don’t care or aren’t taking any steps to do anything about it. This is what the old adage, “Ignorance is bliss” is referring to.
2. We must be willing to make a change. So now I am aware that I have a drinking problem because maybe I’ve gotten a DUI or my spouse has left me but I’m still not willing to do anything differently. This step can be incredibly difficult to many people because once we become aware that there is an issue we know that usually a significant amount of work lies ahead. Many of us fall back into denial or some other defense mechanism at this point.
3. There has to be a plan. A plan can be as simple as I’ll quit drinking and attend a 12 step program 3 times per week. Or I’ll find a therapist and attend couple’s counseling. Without a plan you don’t have your next steps. You don’t have a blueprint or a road map for where you want to go. It would be like building a house without the architectural plans to guide you. Plans can change of course and that’s ok. Plans are actually meant to change as you proceed on your route. You may decide that you like this part of the plan but you don’t like that part of the plan. Adjust accordingly as long as it is not another way to weasel out of making the change. Devising a plan isn’t usually the issue but following through with the plan can be a source of conflict.
4. Follow through with the plan. It’s great to be aware of an issue and to be willing to change and to even have a solid plan. But if you don’t take action then the previous 3 steps are meaningless. As a matter of fact they could even be harmful. To continue with the drinking example from above; imagine that you are aware that you have a drinking problem and are willing to do something about it and you even have a concrete plan but then you consistently don’t follow through with that plan. So maybe you’ve decided to quit drinking and attend AA but you keep relapsing and not showing up for the meetings. This kind of behavior could lead to significant feelings of guilt and remorse. You might even think, “Man I was a whole lot better off just drinking and living my life. This transformation thing is for the birds.”
- When it comes to personal transformation all of these steps can be a challenge. Most people don’t have the self awareness that there is something to change. So many of us get caught up in blaming others without really asking ourselves what is our part in this or how did I contribute to this issue. For example; your best friend tells you that she is going out with some other friends this Saturday and she did not ask you to come even though the two of you had already discussed making plans. You get your feelings hurt and feel rejected. Many of you would stop here and just be hurt or resentful towards your bestie. It takes a certain level of self awareness to stop and ask yourself, “What’s my role here?” You could look at “what do I have to believe about myself for this to even be hurtful for me.” Remember if you are hurt then it’s your stuff. So there is some belief in there that is being triggered. Maybe you believe that you’re not important or that you’re not any fun. If we didn’t have a limiting belief then there would be no pain. We would tell ourselves something like, “Well I guess this means that I am supposed to stay in and rest then.” And you would go about enjoying your weekend. Another piece of self awareness here is asking yourself if you spoke up or did you minimize yourself and not say anything and just move into rejection and resentment? If you and your bestie had made plans then say something like, “Oh, hey I thought we had talked about doing something Saturday night.” This gives her the opportunity to share her side and then the two of you can talk about it.
- Willingness can be tricky because people can fool themselves into thinking that they are willing when they are really not. Think about all of the New Year’s resolutions you have made and didn’t stick to. You know how annoyingly 🙂 crowded the gym is in the beginning of January and then by March it’s back to its old self. This is an example of people thinking that they are willing to make a change but then find out that maybe it’s more difficult than they thought. Most of us stay in the known even if it’s not pretty. I like to use the cavewoman example. Let’s say that a cavewoman doesn’t have a very good life. Perhaps her caveman is abusive and unappreciative of all that she does. Maybe her life in the cave is not her own but the life her caveman dictates for her. She is unhappy and yet outside of the cave presents a world completely unknown to her. The caveman has told her stories of the dangers that lurk outside. So she stays in the cave. Even though she is miserable, it is familiar and therefore gives her the illusion that she is safe. Does this sound like you? You are not alone. It is why most people don’t change.
- A plan is basically knowing what to do to solve your problem or make a change. When it comes to knowing what to do in personal transformation many of us are just lost here. We study. We learn. We acquire knowledge and nothing happens. We go to a retreat and everything is amazing and we come home and in a matter of weeks we are back to our old selves. Don’t get me wrong, knowledge is important and precedes any change. And it’s not enough. If it were I would have transcended by now because boy, have I studied this stuff! So what kind of plan is needed in personal transformation? It has to be a plan that incorporates changing the identity as a result of the knowledge that you have acquired. How do you change your identity? It literally means becoming a different person and shifting the limiting beliefs along with the thoughts and the emotions that make you you. And yes! It is a tall order and yes you can do it! I did. I am literally a different person now than I was just one year ago.
- Executing the plan. I wouldn’t say that most of us are lazy and that’s why we don’t follow through. I would say that it is challenging to do something different. We are hard wired to continue on the same path that we have been taking. Literally. The more we repeat a pattern, whether it is a thought pattern, behavioral or emotional pattern the stronger the neural connection is in our brain. Neural networks form in the brain creating a strong connection that must be rewired if we want to make a change. This is why the last step can be so challenging. Our brains want to take us on the familiar path because it is already wired in the brain. Creating a new path requires more energy. And we typically take the path of least resistance. Imagine that you hike this one path everyday and you could do it with your eyes closed. Your dog who accompanies you leads the way because he too knows exactly where the path leads. One day you decide that you would like a different view instead of the same old view that you’ve had from your old trusty path. So you go up the mountain and you’ve got to get out your scythe and cut down the underbrush and literally create a new path. It’s not nearly as easy of a journey as taking the old, well worn path but you’re excited for a different view. The next time you go up the mountain your dog automatically heads toward the old path but you whistle and he follows you on to the new path. It’s a little easier today but there’s still overgrowth in the way and you’re not exactly sure where you are going but you like it so you keep going. The next day it’s a little easier and the day after even easier still. Eventually this new path becomes your well worn path and the other path becomes overgrown. This is what it’s like to create a new habit or pattern. Most people don’t feel like getting their scythe out and forging a new path.
This is the way of personal transformation. It’s not easy. Sometimes it’s downright terrifying because you are becoming someone new and you may not even know who that person is yet and the old self is screaming to not be dissolved. You will probably take three steps forward and two steps back but that still means that you are moving forward. You will probably let go of many or most of your friends because you no longer speak the same language or have anything in common. At this point it may even feel lonely and you’re tempted to go back to the old self. Stick with it. You will find your new tribe- the new set of friends who just get you and with whom you can talk about something other than the latest reality tv show. You will probably even lose interest in some of the things that you used to like because they will no longer resonate with you. Not that I was ever an ice hockey fan but I remember going to a game and breaking down in tears and asking my husband if we could leave because the violence was so overwhelming for my system. The space in between the creation of the new self and the letting go of the old self is called the void. The void can be scary or lonely because the old has not yet fallen away and the new has not yet taken hold. Stay steadfast, my friend. It is worth every break down, every dark night of the soul and every what the hell is happening to me moment. This is how we become who we truly are instead of the old, limited self. This is how we create an abundant life and manifest anything that we desire.