Has anyone ever told you that are “too sensitive?” Do you often feel judged or misunderstood that others don’t seem to get you? Do “things” affect you differently or more acutely than other people? Maybe you feel the cold or the heat more intensely than the rest. Perhaps you don’t like crowds or loud noises. Or certain people or places easily overwhelm you. Do your electronics zap you? Do you often feel like you’re too much because of your needs? Well, check out the following 13 signs to see if you may be a highly sensitive woman.
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- You were sent the message that you are “too sensitive.“ Of course being told that you are too sensitive could mean many different things. Like you are too emotional or easily offended. Or you’re not “tough ” enough. It could also mean something like you are deeply affected by the pain in the world. No matter the reference it is usually not a kind one. A lot of what I do is teach highly sensitive women (HSW) that their sensitivity is a gift but you you’ve gotta know how to change your perception about it and how to manage it.
- You were sent the message that you’re “too much.” I hear the “too sensitive and “too much” messages all of the time from my clients. HSW often grow up feeling ashamed of their sensitivities because there was no one to teach them how to manage their sensitivities and how to be proud of them rather than ashamed. The “too much” message often refers to needs. For example, HSW have MORE needs than most other people. We need an extra layer or TEN when it’s cold outside. We need to sit in the back of a room so that we are not over-stimulated by all of the action in the front of the room. Or sit away from the speakers at a concert because it’s too loud or leave early. It’s important to surround ourselves with people who get us. My whole life my mom sent me the the message that I am too much. Thank God I am a married to a man who sends me the message that I am just right.
- You have the Goldilocks syndrome Come on- you know this one. This is where “everything” is too hot or too cold (metaphorically and literally speaking). HSW women notice the subtleties in just about everything. So what goes completely undetected by most will picked up by an HSW. So literally the soup might be too hot or too cold for her but her partner doesn’t even notice. This is why we we have just the right mattress and spend countless hours researching them and trying them out. This is why it takes us four times longer to buy a car. We have to make sure that it’s just right for our needs- we can adjust the seat right, the pedals aren’t too stiff or too loose. The A/C and heat are adjustable to our liking (this is why I don’t like Teslas). The steering wheel feels nice and fits well with our bodies… Things have to be just right and guess what? That’s OK!
- Clothing matters and I’m not talking about being up on the latest styles in fashion although if you’re into that, that’s cool. I’m talking about finding clothes that are comfortable. We feel things more acutely than others so we go to great lengths to be comfortable and that means how we clothe our bodies. I remember when I worked at the psychiatric hospital and almost every clinician wore high heels. So I thought that I too needed to cram my feet into pointy toed shoes (that was the style at the time) that had heels so high that they practically made me fall forward. This was back when I still tried to dress like the rest of the world and wondered why can’t I wear heels? Now maybe some of you wear heels and you’re fine with it. Maybe your achilles heel (ha, ha get it?) is any material other than cotton. I personally can only wear cotton because other material is either too scratchy, too slippery, too tight, makes me sweat. You get the idea. Clothing matters.
- Drugs and/or alcohol have found their way into your life. As a HSW we often don’t know how to navigate our high levels of sensitivity. Sometimes we don’t even know that we are highly sensitive. We just know that we are different. We know that we need a way to cope with having acute sensitivity and we often turn to drugs or alcohol. Drugs or alcohol can provide a kind of buffer between us and the stimuli that may be overwhelming us. I am not advocating that you use drugs or alcohol and I am not judging you either. Certainly if dependence is an issue that needs to be addressed. I used to beat myself up because I like my wine. I struggled for YEARS with asking myself the question, “Is it ok to drink? Am I drinking too much? Shouldn’t I be able to handle this without wine?” And here is what I’ve decided: I do a TON of work on myself daily to improve my coping skills so if a glass of wine or two helps me to relax and let go of the day then I’m OK with that. Disclaimer: I am not dependent on alcohol and I am definitely not advocating that anyone with alcohol dependence continue drinking.
- Half of a baby Benadryl is still too much. You know what I’m talking about. We’re the ones who can’t even take medication or if we do take it the dose is like 1/8th of the “adult” dosage. It is very important that you advocate for yourselves here, ladies. Once I was taking half of the lowest dose possible for a particular medicine and I ended up in the ER getting a
spinal tapbecause they thought I might havebacterial meningitis(we had just gotten back from St Lucia). Turns out it was the medicine and guess what? Extreme headache was listed under very rare side effects. The medical establishment is a one size fits all when it comes to prescriptions. If your doctor doesn’t understand that you may need a lower dose or no medicine at all- get a different doctor. I’m serious here, ladies. We can often be shamed into thinking that the Dr knows best. You know your own body best and if you don’t then it’s time to learn! - Your body hurts A LOT The more sensitive you are the more aware of your body you are. There is just no ignoring it. Everybody has a body that is constantly speaking to us. Most people are just not in tune with their bodies. If you are highly sensitive you mostly experience your sensitivities through the body so you will be more aware of when it is hurting. Chronic pain is something that I have been navigating for the last 25+ years. One benefit to pain is that the vast majority of my life lessons have come through trying to understand the pain and what my body is trying to tell me. So the next time that your’e in pain, talk to your body and ask it what is going on?
- You put bugs outside and feel great pain if someone were to step on a bug. This is just one example of how much pain we feel when it comes to cruelty of any kind- whether it is killing a spider or seeing someone beat their dog or smack their child. We feel these things deeply. I can not watch any movie or show that is considered dark. Once after a
Joe Dispenzaevent I was vibing so high I couldn’t even watch your regular run of the mill commercials because my energy field was even more open than it normally is.
Another time my husband took me to a hockey game for the first time and I left in tears after about 20 minutes. I could not believe all of the aggressive shouting and energy especially among the fans. Never been to a hockey game since. - You’re buzzed after one glass of wine. The same could be true for that cup of coffee or if you use
cannabis.We generally can’t imbibe like others. You will NOT win a drinking contest (not that I encourage you to do that anyway). And please don’t go toe to toe with the others at that music festival- you will not be able to keep up;) - You spend great care choosing your hotel. You know those people who say they don’t care about their hotel room because they are only there to sleep. Well, that is not YOU. We know how important our environment is and the impact that it has on our experience. I am the only one in the family that books our vacations because I know to look for a room away from the elevator and ice machine, on the top floor, hopefully with a balcony or at least some green in sight. And yes, I always bring my own pillow. And if we’re driving, my own sheets too!
- You don’t sleep in the same bed with your partner. This one really requires that the HSW ask for what she needs and let go of thinking that society is judging her. I don’t even sleep in the same room as my husband. My energy field is way too open while I sleep allowing other people’s energies to penetrate my
auratoo much for me to tolerate. Sometimes I wish it were different -I can think that it would be nice to share a bed (I missed out on co-sleeping with my daughter too). But as soon someone starts snoring or tossing and turning I’m glad that I have my own safe space. - You have a lot of depth and find trivial conversations uninteresting. This doesn’t mean that we judge others for having trivial conversations. It just means that we have no interest in them. We think deeply and want to communicate with others who think deeply as well. Sometimes this might involve letting go of friends that have been in your life for a long time. And it definitely means seeking out others who are like minded. For example, I am having a party at my house next month and I’ve named it “A Gathering of Conscious Women.”
- You have more body awareness than a non- highly sensitive woman . Because we are mostly sensing through our bodies we naturally have more body awareness. This can mean that we are more IN our bodies as well although not always. What does it mean to be in your body? Well, it means just that- to be soul embodied. Grounded in the body is another way to think about it. When you are in your head or all over the place that is an indication that you are not in the body. Embodiment of the soul is how we reach enlightenment.
If you see yourself in any of the above descriptions then chances are you could be a highly sensitive woman. Congratulations! Welcome to a wonderful yet small subset of the population. Highly sensitive women tend to be more conscientious, concerned about the planet and animals, wonderful mothers and overall lovely human beings, often with higher levels of consciousness. Stick with me and I’ll teach you tools so that you can manage and embrace your sensitivity and become the very best version of you!
What is Transformation and Why most people don’t do it
Transformation is essentially change. When referring to personal transformation it is basically changing the self or the identity to one of an elevated consciousness. To be able to change the identity we must first know what an identity is.
What makes up one’s Identity
- Beliefs about the self and the world
- The way a person thinks based on these beliefs
- One’s emotional state as a result of these thoughts
- The way one experiences the world based on all of the above
One of the major blocks to changing your identity is that most of our beliefs are subconscious, meaning they are below your level of awareness. How do we then make something conscious that was previously unconscious? We look at what’s not working in our lives. Usually unpleasant emotions are the best indicator that there is a limiting belief underneath what’s not working. So to start the process of change we must be vigilant with our emotions because they are our GPS to making the subconscious conscious. To make a change we must be aware that there is even something to change.
Four steps in making a change
1. We must be aware that there is something that we’d like to change. For example, if I have a drinking problem but I’m not aware that I have a drinking problem due to denial or lack of consequences then I would not be prompted to do anything about it. Research actually shows that becoming aware that there’s a problem and not taking any further steps leads to increased rates of depression. This of course makes sense. Feelings of guilt and remorse can arise if we know there is an issue but we seemingly don’t care or aren’t taking any steps to do anything about it. This is what the old adage, “Ignorance is bliss” is referring to.
2. We must be willing to make a change. So now I am aware that I have a drinking problem because maybe I’ve gotten a DUI or my spouse has left me but I’m still not willing to do anything differently. This step can be incredibly difficult to many people because once we become aware that there is an issue we know that usually a significant amount of work lies ahead. Many of us fall back into denial or some other defense mechanism at this point.
3. There has to be a plan. A plan can be as simple as I’ll quit drinking and attend a 12 step program 3 times per week. Or I’ll find a therapist and attend couple’s counseling. Without a plan you don’t have your next steps. You don’t have a blueprint or a road map for where you want to go. It would be like building a house without the architectural plans to guide you. Plans can change of course and that’s ok. Plans are actually meant to change as you proceed on your route. You may decide that you like this part of the plan but you don’t like that part of the plan. Adjust accordingly as long as it is not another way to weasel out of making the change. Devising a plan isn’t usually the issue but following through with the plan can be a source of conflict.
4. Follow through with the plan. It’s great to be aware of an issue and to be willing to change and to even have a solid plan. But if you don’t take action then the previous 3 steps are meaningless. As a matter of fact they could even be harmful. To continue with the drinking example from above; imagine that you are aware that you have a drinking problem and are willing to do something about it and you even have a concrete plan but then you consistently don’t follow through with that plan. So maybe you’ve decided to quit drinking and attend AA but you keep relapsing and not showing up for the meetings. This kind of behavior could lead to significant feelings of guilt and remorse. You might even think, “Man I was a whole lot better off just drinking and living my life. This transformation thing is for the birds.”
- When it comes to personal transformation all of these steps can be a challenge. Most people don’t have the self awareness that there is something to change. So many of us get caught up in blaming others without really asking ourselves what is our part in this or how did I contribute to this issue. For example; your best friend tells you that she is going out with some other friends this Saturday and she did not ask you to come even though the two of you had already discussed making plans. You get your feelings hurt and feel rejected. Many of you would stop here and just be hurt or resentful towards your bestie. It takes a certain level of self awareness to stop and ask yourself, “What’s my role here?” You could look at “what do I have to believe about myself for this to even be hurtful for me.” Remember if you are hurt then it’s your stuff. So there is some belief in there that is being triggered. Maybe you believe that you’re not important or that you’re not any fun. If we didn’t have a limiting belief then there would be no pain. We would tell ourselves something like, “Well I guess this means that I am supposed to stay in and rest then.” And you would go about enjoying your weekend. Another piece of self awareness here is asking yourself if you spoke up or did you minimize yourself and not say anything and just move into rejection and resentment? If you and your bestie had made plans then say something like, “Oh, hey I thought we had talked about doing something Saturday night.” This gives her the opportunity to share her side and then the two of you can talk about it.
- Willingness can be tricky because people can fool themselves into thinking that they are willing when they are really not. Think about all of the New Year’s resolutions you have made and didn’t stick to. You know how annoyingly 🙂 crowded the gym is in the beginning of January and then by March it’s back to its old self. This is an example of people thinking that they are willing to make a change but then find out that maybe it’s more difficult than they thought. Most of us stay in the known even if it’s not pretty. I like to use the cavewoman example. Let’s say that a cavewoman doesn’t have a very good life. Perhaps her caveman is abusive and unappreciative of all that she does. Maybe her life in the cave is not her own but the life her caveman dictates for her. She is unhappy and yet outside of the cave presents a world completely unknown to her. The caveman has told her stories of the dangers that lurk outside. So she stays in the cave. Even though she is miserable, it is familiar and therefore gives her the illusion that she is safe. Does this sound like you? You are not alone. It is why most people don’t change.
- A plan is basically knowing what to do to solve your problem or make a change. When it comes to knowing what to do in personal transformation many of us are just lost here. We study. We learn. We acquire knowledge and nothing happens. We go to a retreat and everything is amazing and we come home and in a matter of weeks we are back to our old selves. Don’t get me wrong, knowledge is important and precedes any change. And it’s not enough. If it were I would have transcended by now because boy, have I studied this stuff! So what kind of plan is needed in personal transformation? It has to be a plan that incorporates changing the identity as a result of the knowledge that you have acquired. How do you change your identity? It literally means becoming a different person and shifting the limiting beliefs along with the thoughts and the emotions that make you you. And yes! It is a tall order and yes you can do it! I did. I am literally a different person now than I was just one year ago.
- Executing the plan. I wouldn’t say that most of us are lazy and that’s why we don’t follow through. I would say that it is challenging to do something different. We are hard wired to continue on the same path that we have been taking. Literally. The more we repeat a pattern, whether it is a thought pattern, behavioral or emotional pattern the stronger the neural connection is in our brain. Neural networks form in the brain creating a strong connection that must be rewired if we want to make a change. This is why the last step can be so challenging. Our brains want to take us on the familiar path because it is already wired in the brain. Creating a new path requires more energy. And we typically take the path of least resistance. Imagine that you hike this one path everyday and you could do it with your eyes closed. Your dog who accompanies you leads the way because he too knows exactly where the path leads. One day you decide that you would like a different view instead of the same old view that you’ve had from your old trusty path. So you go up the mountain and you’ve got to get out your scythe and cut down the underbrush and literally create a new path. It’s not nearly as easy of a journey as taking the old, well worn path but you’re excited for a different view. The next time you go up the mountain your dog automatically heads toward the old path but you whistle and he follows you on to the new path. It’s a little easier today but there’s still overgrowth in the way and you’re not exactly sure where you are going but you like it so you keep going. The next day it’s a little easier and the day after even easier still. Eventually this new path becomes your well worn path and the other path becomes overgrown. This is what it’s like to create a new habit or pattern. Most people don’t feel like getting their scythe out and forging a new path.
This is the way of personal transformation. It’s not easy. Sometimes it’s downright terrifying because you are becoming someone new and you may not even know who that person is yet and the old self is screaming to not be dissolved. You will probably take three steps forward and two steps back but that still means that you are moving forward. You will probably let go of many or most of your friends because you no longer speak the same language or have anything in common. At this point it may even feel lonely and you’re tempted to go back to the old self. Stick with it. You will find your new tribe- the new set of friends who just get you and with whom you can talk about something other than the latest reality tv show. You will probably even lose interest in some of the things that you used to like because they will no longer resonate with you. Not that I was ever an ice hockey fan but I remember going to a game and breaking down in tears and asking my husband if we could leave because the violence was so overwhelming for my system. The space in between the creation of the new self and the letting go of the old self is called the void. The void can be scary or lonely because the old has not yet fallen away and the new has not yet taken hold. Stay steadfast, my friend. It is worth every break down, every dark night of the soul and every what the hell is happening to me moment. This is how we become who we truly are instead of the old, limited self. This is how we create an abundant life and manifest anything that we desire.