What your identity is and Why it Matters
Many of us have never asked ourselves, “Who am I? What makes me tick? I wonder why I do that or think that or feel that?” Questions like these are important because they are the precursor to change. Shockingly very few of us are self aware. I think that this is due to several factors. For one, being self aware takes presence. I’m talking about being present in the moment and in your body. We are bombarded with so much stimuli from our electronics, phones and other modern day inventions that we hardly take a moment to be present much less embody the energy that it requires to truly be present. Most of us just run on autopilot and can’t even remember the last time we felt our feet on the ground or even noticed something like the sun on our face. I think another reason very few of us are self aware is because we were never taught how to become self aware. How many of you had a parent or caregiver that regularly prompted you to check in with yourself about who you are? Maybe they fostered an aspect of your identity if you were an athlete or a math wiz or something like that but being an athlete or a math wiz is not your identity.
So then, what is an identity? Your identity is made up of your beliefs, thoughts, emotions and experiences that are born out of the above. So if you are an athlete for example, that would influence what you believe, what you think and how you feel but not all athletes have the same experiences in life so being an athlete is only one aspect of one’s identity. Now some people become overly attached to that aspect of their identity but it’s not actually who they are. For example; I am a blogger, a psychotherapist, a spiritual coach, a mom, a wife, a bestie but none of those roles are my identity. If I become too attached to any one of them to define who I am then I could get into trouble if any one of them goes away. Let’s say I can’t write anymore or I get a divorce or I am no longer a practitioner. Then who would I be? So we hold all of these roles lightly remembering this is not who we are. So who are we then?
Beliefs
Let’s look at beliefs. What is a belief? A belief is a cognitive representation of how you navigate the world. These beliefs develop very early in life. Many if not most of your beliefs are subconscious, meaning below the level of your conscious awareness. We don’t even know what we believe so how could we know who we are? Some beliefs are passed on to us by our primary caregivers or by those who play an important role in our childhood. We may not even resonate with these beliefs and are completely unaware that they aren’t even ours in the first place. Let’s say for example that you realize that you have some funky energy around money and you have realized that you are tight when it comes to money. You realize that your mom is tight with money too.You start thinking about this and you realize that you resonate with an abundance consciousness not one of scarcity. Being tight with money doesn’t even fit your beliefs around money. You’ve picked this one up from your mom! Of course our moms can pass on lovely beliefs to us as well like, “everyone deserves love” or “respect mother Earth.” It’s our job to investigate our beliefs, decide which ones resonate with us and which ones are even ours.
How do we investigate our beliefs if they are below our conscious level of awareness? We start to look for patterns in our life. What keeps happening over and over? Patterns or themes are a pretty good indication of a belief at work. For example; let’s say that you have a lot of betrayal in your life. Perhaps boyfriends or girlfriends frequently cheat on you or maybe a business partner or colleague stabs you in the back. After some time you realize that this keeps happening in your life and you realize that the common denominator is you! But what is it about you that creates this pattern over and over? The answer is that it is some belief that you have about people or about the nature of relationships. It would go something like. “People will betray me.” Or “I can’t trust anyone.” See, whatever we believe is what is reflected back to us. We are the creators of our reality or our experience so then our experiences in life are a reflection of what we believe.
Have you ever wondered why everyone has such a vastly different experience in life even if she comes from the same family with the same parenting and the same resources and the same opportunities? It’s because everyone has different beliefs. These beliefs then create different thoughts and emotions and then an altogether different experience or life. Let’s say that I had a teacher early on who taught me that I can do or be anything that I desire. I wholeheartedly embraced this belief and it shaped who I am today in that I believed in myself and took risks that resulted in great innovation and success. Think of someone super successful. She probably had a belief similar to this. Now let’s say that my brother who grew up in the exact same household during the same time did NOT have a teacher who instilled a similar belief and therefore did not grow up to believe in himself like I did. He played it safe and ended up taking over the family business just like my father wanted. He was often bitter and dissatisfied with life. We both grew up in the same household at the same time. What’s the difference here? The difference is what we believed. I believed in myself; that I could be or do anything. He believed that he had some responsibility to be what others wanted him to be rather than be who he truly is.
Beliefs can be about ourselves or they can be about the world. They can be limiting beliefs in that they limit us from being our true unlimited selves. Or they can be beliefs that reflect our true nature – an unlimited co-creator with Source.
Most of our limiting beliefs have to do with not enoughness. Some common examples of these kinds of beliefs include:
“I am not worthy.”
“ I am not lovable.”
“ I am not smart enough.”
“ I am not pretty enough.”
“I am not important.”
There are also limiting beliefs that have to do with being too much of something.
“ I’m too fat.”
“ I’m too much to handle.”
“ I’m too needy.”
“ I’m too slow.”
None of the above beliefs are true. They are limited representations of self that we decided at some point in our childhood as a result of an experience (or we incarnated with them as part of our Karmic learning). These experiences don’t have to be anything traumatic either. Our developing brains and psyches aren’t capable of higher reasoning when we are little so we draw conclusions that are not true or accurate.
Possible Real Life Example
The following is an example of a limited belief that formed as a result of an innocuous situation that could happen on any given day. Let’s say that little Poppy is taking a nap like she does everyday. On this spring day Mom has left the window open and the neighbor has decided to cut the grass. The lawn mower moves beneath Poppy’s window making a loud roaring sound. The sound of the lawn mower wakes up Poppy. She is scared and calls out for her mom. Mom knows that Poppy naps everyday at this time so mom is taking a shower and therefore doesn’t hear Poppy. Poppy calls out for her mom for fifteen minutes before her mom hears her. Is this an example of abuse? Of course not. This is a normal, real life situation. Nonetheless, Poppy was scared and wondering why her mom wasn’t coming for her. Poppy’s brain was too immature to reason out that her mother probably couldn’t hear her. Instead, Poppy subconsciously made a decision about herself. Poppy decided, “I must not be important because Mommy didn’t come for me.” Over time this evolves into one of Poppy’s core limiting beliefs, “I’m not important.”
Once we make a decision about ourselves or about the world and we stick to this decision over time this becomes a belief. Our beliefs and the thoughts and emotions that accompany them then become our experience. The world can only mirror to us what we believe. It cannot be any other way. Some might say the world creates our beliefs. I say our beliefs create our world. For example, someone might say, “Well I’ve never been important to my mom or to my husband or my boss and therefore I believe that I’m not important because of it.” I say that it’s because this person believes that she is not important that she attracts people into her life that mirror this belief back to her; meaning she attracts people into her life who treat her as if she is not important. People often confuse which comes first, an experience or belief. It is a question of the chicken or the egg only in childhood. Once our beliefs are formed early on the belief always comes first. Then the universe just reflects it back to us.
The same is true for positive or unlimited beliefs. We have positive experiences in childhood, perhaps a loving mother or father and we make decisions that reflect an unlimited experience of self such as I am lovable or I can do anything. Or perhaps my grandmother reinforces that I’m able to figure out almost anything and I develop a belief that I am capable. Then we move through life knowing or believing that we are capable, lovable and can do anything and THAT becomes our experience.
So how does your identity form from your beliefs? Well, your beliefs determine your thoughts. So continuing with the above examples; if I believe that I’m not important as one of my limiting beliefs (we have a few core limiting beliefs that shape who we are) then I would have thoughts such as “I didn’t get invited to the party because I’m not important. He didn’t call me back because I’m not important. My boss didn’t talk to me in the break room because I’m not important.” and so on and so forth. The issue is that most of us are unaware that this limiting belief is driving us. Instead, we just make up stories in our heads about our experiences that are often filled with blame. For example; “I didn’t get invited to the party because they are just a bunch of clicky girls. He didn’t call me back because he’s a jerk. My boss didn’t talk to me because she likes so and so better.”
Conversely, If I believe that I am important then I probably would get invited to the party or not care if I didn’t. If my boss didn’t talk to me in the break room I wouldn’t take it personally because I would know that I am valued and important at work. Most of us don’t stop to examine why we’re feeling the way that we’re feeling. It’s these thoughts that create our emotions. Perpetual thoughts with accompanying emotions are what create our experience. Our experience (our thoughts and our emotions) is really our broadcast or our vibration. What we’re broadcasting into the world is our identity. Why is it important then to know who or what your identity is? Because to change your life you have to change your identity!