How We scam ourselves and what to do about it
Has there ever been something that you wanted more than anything in this life? Something that you knew was your destiny? For me that was being a mom. For as long as I can remember that was my dream. I carried my dolls around everywhere. Playing mommy was the sun and the moon for me. So when I hit 40 and still had no prospect for a husband I began to get concerned. And yes, I thought about having a baby on my own but that seemed to come with its own set of challenges so I didn’t pursue that route. So when I met my husband at 43 and he too wanted a baby I was elated. We got busy right away.
Five months after we were married I was diagnosed with cancer. Talk about a detour. I took some time off all things baby and put that focus on healing. After some time we decided that cancer was NOT going to interfere with our dream. When I was healthy and strong we refocused on creating a family. We decided that adoption was the route in which we wanted to go. We matched with a birth mother straight away. Let’s call her Ashley. She was pregnant with identical twin boys. Whoa. We were terrified and beyond excited all at the same time. We jumped into high gear immediately. My friends began planning the baby shower. Baby things were bought. Ashley and I began picking out names for the boys. She and I texted all day everyday. I wanted to make sure that she had everything that she needed. I loved her. I loved her for the gift that she was giving us. We hung the picture of the ultrasound that she sent on the fridge and felt grateful everyday. After weeks of texting it was time for a live conversation. We set the day and time. I called her at 9:00 AM on that Friday. The phone rang and then this is what I heard, “We’re sorry, the number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service.” My legs began to shake. My heart clenched. I had tunnel vision. And I knew. I knew that none of it had been real. There were no babies. Turns out I was involved in what’s called an emotional scam. She never asked for a dime. I believe that she just wanted my love. I was devastated. I was angry. I was every brokenhearted emotion that ever existed.
According to the folks at Adoptimist, a leading authority on adoption, “emotional scammers target their victims with one goal in mind: getting attention.” There’s that word, victim. Most people think that to be a victim there must be an outside perpetrator. I definitely considered myself a victim in this situation and Ashley the perpetrator. Along the same lines most people also think that to be scammed there must be a scammer like in the story I just shared. I propose that we actually scam ourselves by staying in victim mode long after the incident, whatever the incident is for you. I am not saying that we don’t go through painful and hurtful experiences with others. What I am saying is that we remain the victim and give our power away because we are getting something out of it. This is how we scam ourselves. Cambridge dictionary lists synonyms for a scam such as “cheat, trick, pull the wool over one’s eyes, dupe, poison, rip off.” These are strong words. Do you want to cheat, dupe or poison yourself? Because every time you stay the victim that is exactly what you are doing. We often don’t even know that we are doing this. Here are two clues: you are stuck in blame and resentment. Blame and resentment are toxic and staying there blocks you from being your highest self. If you are experiencing blame and resentment and want to break free from these addictive states then use your WILL. WIll is a 4 step process that helps you increase self awareness by taking self responsibility.
- W be Willing to self examine
- I Introspect
- L Look for the Lesson
- L Let Go of Blame
Ok, Let’s break that down and look at what each step really means.
W is for the willingness to self examine and to look at all parts of self. For some this may be the most difficult step because we think that we are willing to self-examine but our lower self or our wounded self tries to protect us by hiding parts of us from our conscious awareness and thereby keeping us in the dark. These parts of self are deemed wrong or unacceptable by the ego and so they have been cut off or disowned. When we discover these hidden aspects we may not like them. We may even fear them. It is not until we can know and accept all of us that we can heal.
We must be willing to shake up the status quo. Be willing to admit that what we think we know about ourselves might not be everything to know or even be accurate or true.
I is for introspect. The Cambridge Dictionary states that to introspect is to “examine and consider your own ideas, thoughts and feelings.”
Researcher and psychologist, Dr. Tasha Eurich reports that most of us introspect incorrectly. “Thinking about ourselves is not knowing ourselves,” she says. Think about that for a minute. Thinking about ourselves is not knowing ourselves. So then how do we get to know ourselves? According to Dr Eurich we ask what instead of why.
So then I would ask myself, what do I have to believe for this to be my experience? Let’s take the emotional scam. Instead of asking why did this happen to me? I asked what do I believe that made this possible? I know as a result of years of self examination that I have a limiting belief that “people will betray me.” What does this have to do with being scammed? Well, we are only shown what we believe. It can not be any other way. I’m gonna repeat that. We are only shown what we believe. If we believe that the world is safe then the world is safe. If we believe that love hurts then that is our experience. So by having the belief that people will betray me this is my experience. I don’t know but I would imagine that Ashley did not set out to betray me but was instead trying to get some need met. Her behavior was experienced by me as betrayal. To someone else it may have been experienced as cruelty or maybe shame. For me it was about betrayal because that is what I believed about people. By uncovering our beliefs and thoughts that are often hidden from our conscious awareness we step into our power. Because it is only then that we have the power to choose something that it is more in alignment with who we want to be.
L is for Look for the lesson. There is always a lesson. It may not be known to you in the moment. It may actually never be known to you. Merely looking for it is enough. Why is it enough? Because it demonstrates a higher level of consciousness. Asking oneself what is the opportunity for growth here is growth in itself. Let’s look again at the emotional scam. No doubt in the moment I was challenged bigtime to see any lesson. As I was able to put some distance between myself and the scam I was able to see more than one growth opportunity. For example, I remembered that no one actually has the power to hurt me. What, you say? Of course she hurt you. Not if I remember that I am in charge of my feelings. Certainly her behavior by any standard of measure could be considered hurtful but what I choose to do with my feelings in response to her behavior is my decision. This is incredibly empowering. It means that I am in charge of how I feel regardless of what anyone else says or does. Therefore I don’t have to wait for anyone to do or not do anything to feel better. It’s up to me. This may take some practice especially with deep hurts. And this is how you claim your power. You get to decide how you feel.
Another lesson I saw when the scam was way in my rearview mirror was about forgiveness. It was about understanding that Ashley did this based on her own beliefs, thoughts and feelings. Very very few people actually set out to intentionally harm another. Harm usually occurs because people are behaving unconsciously. Maybe Ashley had a limiting belief that nobody would ever love her and therefore she created a fantasy so that she could receive love. That’s just an assumption on my part, but what that does is widen my perceptual lens meaning instead of just thinking that she is an awful person out to get me I begin to consider other story lines. When I can try to put myself in someone else’s shoes so to speak it opens me up for compassion. What do compassion and forgiveness have to do with power?
Let’s Look at the last L.
L. Let go of blame (by tuning into unconditional love.) When we blame another and are unwilling or incapable of taking responsibility for our part we stay stuck. Cambridge Dictionary states that to blame “is to say or think that someone or something else is responsible.” By saying that someone else is responsible for our feelings we are giving our power away. We are essentially victimizing ourselves. In other words or looking at it another way we could say that we are so powerful that we can change our reality just by changing our perception. Wow.
Let’s take it one step further. Not only can we claim our power by taking responsibility for our thoughts and feelings, we can alchemize any feelings of victimhood by tuning into unconditional love for the other.
So how do we tune into unconditional love? As a mental construct we understand that everyone is wounded and often acts out of that wounding. We accept that we don’t know why people do the things that they do. We remember that everyone is here to learn and is on her own path in her own time. As something more than a mental construct we tune into our heart with intention to feel it expand with the remembrance that we are all connected. That we all come from the same place and we’re all returning to the same place.
When I used my WILL I claimed my power. I took an honest look at my part in the emotional scam. It wasn’t easy and my lower self was definitely attached to blame. But I can tell you that standing in my power felt a heck of a lot better than being a victim.
I can also tell you that I know without a doubt that everything happens for a reason. We did end up adopting. Her name is Samantha and she is definitive proof that everything is exactly as it is supposed to be.